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Kill Gleemax!

posted Tuesday, June 19th 2007 by Jonathan Drain
Creatures & NPCsDungeon Mastering AdviceGame MaterialThird Edition

Tempers flared when Dungeons & Dragons players started to fear that their two favourite magazines had been replaced by some kind of brain in a jar website. It turns out that’s not quite the case, but I figured that if enough players have an axe to grind with Gleemax, that they might as well do it accompanied by a mage, thief and cleric.

I’m told it’s some kind of Magic: The Gathering in-joke.

Gleemax, CR20
Advanced brain in a jar psion20 (telepath)
NE Tiny undead
Libris Mortis 90
Init +3; Senses blindsight 60ft., darkvision 60ft; Listen +14, Spot +14
Telepathy 100ft, language-dependant


AC 14, touch 14, flat-footed 11
hp 311 (29HD; turn resistance +8)
Immune undead traits
Fort +9, Ref +12, Will +20


Spd fly 30ft (good)
Space 1ft.; Reach
Psionic powers known (CL 20th, 403pp/day);
    9th–affinity field, assimilate, psionic etherealness, microcosm, psychic chirurgery, reality revision
    8th–mind seed, recall death, true metabolism
    7th–crisis of life, decerebrate, insanity
    6th–mind switch, mass cloud mind, psionic disintegrate
    5th–mind probe, leech field, psychic crush, psionic true seeing
    4th–mind wipe, psionic dominate, psionic modify memory, telekinetic maneuver
    3rd–dispel psionics, false sensory input, psionic blast, time hop
    2nd–ego whip, brain lock, read thoughts, psionic suggestion
    1st–conceal thoughts, distract, inertial armor, mind thrust, psionic charm
Special Atk mind thrust, psionics, rebuke undead


Abilities Str —, Dex 16, Con —, Int 20, Wis 10, Cha 25
SQ Madness, +8 turn resistance
Feats Ability Focus (mind thrust), Alertness, Delay Power, Dodge, Force of Will, Greater Power Penetration, Improved Turn Resistance, Iron Will, Overchannel, Power Penetration, Psionic Dodge, Quicken Power, Skill Focus (Bluff), Skill Focus (Diplomacy)
Skills Concentration +20, Bluff +42, Diplomacy +42, Knowledge (history) +37, Knowledge (psionics) +37, Knowledge (religion) +37, Listen +14, Profession (game designer) +12, Psicraft +25, Spot +14


Mind Thrust (Su): As a standard action, Gleemax can deliver an assault on the mental pathways of one creature, dealing 2d10 points of damage to any creature which fails a DC 20 Will save.
Madness (Su): Anyone targetting Gleemax with thought detection, mind control or any sort of telepathic or psionic ability that makes direct contact with its tortured mind takes 1d4 points of Wisdom damage.
Psionics (Sp): 3/day–suggestion (DC20), telekinesis (DC22); 1/day–dominate person (DC20). Manifester level 20th.
Rebuke Undead (Su): Gleemax can rebuke or command undead as a level 9 cleric.
Unholy Toughness, aka Dragotha Rule (Ex): Gleemax gains a bonus to its hit points equal to its Charisma modifier x its Hit Dice, just because.

Comments

  1. Antdevamp

    March 16th, 2008

    This is a D&D creature description, called a ‘write-up’ in the parlance. This is not a write up of anything in Magic The Gathering. It is a hilarious fucking joke, and thank you for spreading it! I will be sure to kill that fucking thing in my game SOON. My players will drool for the pleasure. Although….Undead 20th Level Psion Unbodied are pesky enemies.

  2. P-Sanny

    March 26th, 2008

    The gleemax is a MTG in-joke. It was a joke card they printed that cost a lot and was ridiculously powerful.

  3. Wil K.

    October 13th, 2008

    I’m not sure why this hasn’t been explained – Gleemax is a Magic in-joke, and is oft-referenced by members of MtG R&D as the evil brain-in-a-jar that controls them. It was later made into a card in the Joke Set Unhinged (“sequel” to the joke set Unglued).
    for example:

    http://www.wizards.com/magic/magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtgcom/daily/mr157
    http://www.wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtgcom/feature/203
    http://www.wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtgcom/askwizards/1103 :
    “November 7, 2003

    Q: “What ever happened to Gleemax? Does he still control R&D from a jar on Mark Rosewater’s desk? Is Mark still made out of old pizza crusts or did Gleemax finally award him with a real body? Would Gleemax ever greenlight Unglued 2 after Mark obviously deceived him with the first Unglued? Will the truth ever be known about R&D?”
    –Anonymous

    A: From Mark Rosewater, R&D senior designer:
    “A brain in a jar that secretly controls R&D? Preposterous. I mean, if such a thing were true, such a being would greatly punish any R&D member that dared to publicly mention his existence. Such a being would also have greatly tortured any designer who dared to put out a set as irrational as Unglued. What does a brain in a jar know about chickens or the Hokey Pokey? But such a brain would eventually have to sleep, right? And if a crafty designer used that time to answer an ‘Ask Wizards’ question, then perhaps such a being would be none the wiser. It’s safe to say… AAAHHH!!!!! ARGGGG! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!

    “R&D has no knowledge of any such being. Any talk of a so-called ‘Gleemax’ is purely the product of an over-imaginative, under-disciplined Magic designer. R&D as a policy does not comment on the existence of any Unglued product. In the future, it would be more productive to ask questions of a less frivolous nature.””

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